\Unfuck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating
by Faith G Harper
I love any book that would give me more of an insight into how people work. I feel like “Unf*ck Your Intimacy” is a fairly easy read for anyone who wants to work on their intimate relationships. Faith has a very relaxed way of approaching topics and you can tell she’s having fun when she’s writing. I giggled quite a few times at different points. The book has 3 main sections: How Our Intimacy Gets Fucked, Unfuck Your Relationship with Yourself, and Unfuck Your Relationship with Others.
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How Our Intimacy Gets Fucked gets into why we have issues during intimate relationships. I love how she started with common myths about intimacy, such as: “Only certain types of sex are real sex” and “Certain people are fundamentally undesirable (and you are probably one of them).” She covers 5 different myths and talks about why we believe each one. Faith also touches on how trauma and religion can affect our views about intimacy and sex in general. The end of this section goes into how our bodies create issues with intimacy, whether it be medical reasons, injuries, disabilities, or other forms of sexual dysfunction. Even if you don’t have an issue with any of those things, it is really helpful in order to learn how to connect with people that do have those issues.
Unfuck Your Relationship with Yourself goes into ways to help yourself overcome some of the issues covered in section one. At the end of the day, you are the only person you can control. You can’t control anyone else’s actions. Today’s society really beats down on people and gives us unrealistic expectations when it comes to how we should look, feel, and interact with others. So the best place to start would be self compassion, if you can’t be at least a little bit kind to yourself, then you might need more than a book can give you. I love how Faith covers both boundaries and consent in this section as well. A lot of people view them as aspects to dealing with other people, we forget that communicating and enforcing our boundaries is a way of taking care of yourself. It becomes another action of self compassion. This section goes into how you need to learn your body as well. Self pleasure is a great way to see what you enjoy. And it doesn’t need to be a quick “get it over with” type session. Take your time, really explore your body, because when you know your body, you can help your partner(s) know which areas you like or don’t like being touched. The last part of this section is something I absolutely loved! Sex and porn addiction isn’t real. They do not exist. It’s not listed in the DSM, and you can’t be addicted. If you’re cheating or ignoring your partner for porn, that’s a behavioral issue. Sex is supposed to light up the reward areas of the brain. So if we’re going by the definition of “seeking a reaction in the reward centers of the brain”, then everyone is a sex/porn addict.
Unfuck Your Relationship with Others focuses on how we interact with other people and how to best approach those interactions. Honestly, she goes into depth about a few things in this section. But the main point boils down to: communicate! You need to learn how to communicate your emotions and needs without making it someone else’s problem. There is not a person alive who is required to meet your needs or care about your feelings. You need to learn to communicate them clearly and without blaming any other person.
Faith ends the book with a massive list of other books to add to your reading list! And when I say massive, I mean that I needed to get some help reading the list because she wrote it across 4 pages in tiny, tiny font. Overall, I highly recommend this book! It takes a lot of the emotional side out of these things and gives you the science behind everything and why we do things. Which some people who struggle with emotions appreciate because it makes sense. And it helps people with a lot of emotions (we’re not looking at me here at all) be able to explain things in a more rational way to help others understand. Get Your Copy (affiliate link)
Keep an eye out as I periodically write summaries and reviews of books that I’m reading. Let me know in the comments what you think about this book after you’ve read it and recommend other books that I can add to my library!